700 of 704 ICE Agents Withdrawn from Minneapolis

Politics

By Staff Writers, Mock You! - Vital Information Today | Seattle, WA USA - February 4, 2026

Agents Ride the Party Machine

The U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agency announced in an update on Wednesday morning the withdrawal of 700 agents from Minneapolis, leaving just four behind to manage the operation. Border czar Tom Homan explained the move as "effective immediately” and added, "if we don't throw the laundry in the dryer, the socks will go sour."

Agents Malley, Smith, and Dingle now patrol a city of 430,000. When their comrade Agent Hewlitt flipped under pressure and resigned after an unfortunate ride on the Party Machine, only the crew of three are keeping the city safe. "We're committed," Smith grunted during a press conference held at a Caribou Coffee. "Minneapolis is safe... ish."

Between shifts, the agents have been trying desperately to blend in, but paranoia is running high. Agent Malley is convinced they are being stalked by a particularly aggressive Canadian goose near Lake Harriet. "It knows who I am," Malley was overheard whispering into his shoulder mic while hiding behind the bandshell. "The target is aggressive. Repeat, the waterfowl is hostile." The goose, reportedly named "Honkers" by local residents, has effectively pinned down one-third of the city’s remaining ICE presence for three consecutive Tuesdays.

"It knows who I am."

To blow off steam, the team has attempted to explore the city's recreational opportunities, though their tactical training often interferes with relaxation. Last weekend, a team-building exercise at the Mall of America’s Nickelodeon Universe went awry when Agent Smith attempted to "secure the perimeter" of the SpongeBob SquarePants Rock Bottom Plunge. He was promptly asked to leave after interrogating a teenager in a mascot costume about his visa status.

Currently, the agents are spending their downtime at the Juicy Lucy hotspot Matt's Bar, where they have set up a temporary command post in the back booth. They claim they are monitoring "contraband flows," but witnesses suggest they are mostly just arguing about who has to pay for the next round of fries. As winter approaches, the three remain vigilant, mostly against the cold, aiming to survive until headquarters remembers they are still there.