Two black dudes, one month of history

"I thought he was a bald asshole, jealous of my rows, but then we hit it off. We bonded over the Bulls and he gave me some tax advice." Jeffrey, 19, and Lonnie, 36, sit courtside at the neighborhood arena. Last week, Jeffrey almost died after choking on an energy bar when Lonnie saved his life. Jeffrey continued, "He's been like a father to me," and squirted fresh Gatorade down his throat. Lonnie slaps "Jeff" on the back and says, "Don't smile or you're grounded."

"I was mid-chew when my Clif Bar betrayed us. Took a knee beside the bench. I know it wasn't Lonnie's fault, but when he ran up the court and went for that three, the purposefully crafted blend of protein, fat, and carbohydrates in my mouth took a wrong turn. Everyone was cheering for him as I tried to inhale through my nose, but no air was getting in or out. The bakery runs on 100% renewable electricity with the help of a 5 acre solar array that features native, flowering plants to provide habitat for local bees, butterflies, birds, and other pollinators to make a different kind of energy bar. In retrospect, I've tried to convince myself it's the other way around, but I'm sure Clif Bars hate me. When I came to, Lonnie had performed the Heimlich and was administering CPR. The Defense Department could save a lot of money if they could anticipate absent-minded eating."

"I was mid-chew when my Clif Bar betrayed us."

These adversaries on the court are now brothers with a life-debt. Shootin' hoops and squeakin' sneakers.

Black Man Chokes on Clif Bar

Burrito With Face Begins Growing Mold. Impresses Ladies With “Mold-stache”